Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tampon-String Theory

I recently got sucked into black holes (LOL GET IT? Shut up.) after spending maybe four hours watching everything on the Science Channel as I slowly (too slowly...) digested turkey and sweet potatoes. My engineer and amateur physicist fiance [To give you some context to Alex's own feelings toward string-theory, I recently finished The Hunger Games. I said I couldn't put it down; he said, "Wow, the only book I've ever done that with is The Elegant Universe."] patiently answered all my questions: "WAIT, BUT WHAT IF YOUR EYE IS LIKE A BLACK HOLE BECAUSE IT BENDS LIGHT THE WAY BLACK HOLES BEND TIME," "ARE THEY LIKE WORMHOLES?," or "SO, LET'S GO SEND SOMETHING THROUGH ONE."

Soon, one thing caught my eye. A physicist on of the shows mentioned that when two black holes get close together, they essentially "waltz" around one another until becoming one.

I said to Alex: "ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?"
He said: "Everything will die."

I realized that all these goddamn math-brained people are missing something critical: like waltzes and my "eye theory" (I said, SHUT UP), black holes could be more easily understood in "human" (specifically female) terms.

How I feel about my idea.
Also, what the hell kind of tampons are these?
I give you: Tampon-String Theory.

For those who aren't familiar with string-theory, it's essentially a realm of thoughts and ideas looking for a central type of theory that explains...everything. It posits there are possibly more laws of nature (like gravity) and dimensions (like time). It's meant to be the fundamental understanding of everything and is the big theory behind understanding black holes, which everyone ever is trying to understand in physics.

There are so many similarities between tampon usage and black holes, I'm honestly surprised no one's ever said anything. Stephen Hawking, you've been married twice... I'm sure you're aware of the connection (especially since that second one seems like she was in a perpetual state of PMS).

There's a scattering of titbits, I mean tidbits, across the spectrum of theory that initially hone the connection.

For example, it's unknown when and/or how string theory employs vacuum states (or the state of lowest possible energy); similarly, it is unknown why I have my lowest possible energy when I'm hemorrhaging from my uterus. 

Einstein's theory of relativity, which gets tossed about quite a bit in string-theory as either being possibly proven or refuted, "requires physicists to insert the number of dimensions 'by both hands.'" I don't know about you, but I haven't quite mastered a "one-handed" insertion, if you know what I mean. (I MEAN TAMPONS).

Also, I'm just going to leave this one here: Fuzzball.

This is like the fucking Da Vinci Code!
In string theory, there's also something called a "Worldsheet" which essentially talks about a string being embedded in spacetime, as represented in two-dimensional manifold. Hawking's "Draco Malfoy," Leonard Susskin, came up with this idea by the way.


Bet there's been plenty of strings embedded at the bottom!

Additionally, string theory is under constant scrutiny for its lack of predictability and testability. What is infinitely hard to predict and you wouldn't dare test unless you were a fuckwit?: WOMEN ON THEIR PERIODS.

Most critically, though... what do string theory and tampons really have in common?

Black holes.
Big, gaping... black holes.


  1. You just wrote this entire fucking blog post to use the words "gaping" and "holes" in the same fucking assshit sentence, didn't you.