Saturday, March 3, 2012

More Student Stories

Me, to a 7-Year Old Girl (wearing different color beads in her hair & rainbow/tie-dyed earrings): "I like your earrings! They match your beads!"
7-Year Old Girl: "No, they match you!"
Me: "What?"

Same 7-Year Old Girl: "I'm wearing your skin."

8-Year Old Student: "You look just like my grandma. Well, not my grandma. My grandma's friend. But she's bigger and you're alot skinnier."
Me: "Well... thank you!"
8-Year Old Student: "I want to call you 'Worgus.' Her dog's name is Worgus."

7-Year Old Student: "Are you married?"
Me: "No, not yet. I will be, though!"
7-Year Old Student: "Then how are you pregnant?"
Me: "... I'm not pregnant."
7-Year Old Student: "I just don't get how you can be pregnant and not be married."

Friday, February 17, 2012

Friday, January 27, 2012

Student Stories

So, I haven't written much lately. I know the 2 1/2 of you who read (I'm looking at you, William Wallace) probably don't care, but MAYBE SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL.

Who, me?

With that being said, I've decided to compile some interesting tidbits (not timbits, though those are delicious, as are babies) kids at work have said. For all those who don't know, I teach kids with special needs and/or learning disabilities.

Here are some recent gems:

7-Year Old Student: "Do you know why I like going to the dentist?"
Me: "Why?"
7-Year Old Student: "I love when you get the chloroform. You know, the stuff that tastes good in your mouth."
Me: "...Fluoride?"

Me: "So can you think of way to use the word awed?"
10-Year Old Student: "Well, I'm awed by you... I mean, not in a bad way. A good way. Like, you're cute, but not like pretty cute, but kind of I want to kiss you cute. So I'm awed by you."
Me: "...Thank you?"

Me: "Ready to get started?"
11-Year Old Student: "Yeah, I just drained my dragon."
Me: "...Uh."
11-Year Old Student: "Yeah, it's weird how we get expressions and stuff."

7-Year Old Student: "My Uncle Borat lives in Hollywood."
Me: "So 'Borat' is your uncle?"
7-Year Old Student: "Yeah, my family got mad at him at Thanksgiving for walking on the table and kicking over our turkey."

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tampon-String Theory

I recently got sucked into black holes (LOL GET IT? Shut up.) after spending maybe four hours watching everything on the Science Channel as I slowly (too slowly...) digested turkey and sweet potatoes. My engineer and amateur physicist fiance [To give you some context to Alex's own feelings toward string-theory, I recently finished The Hunger Games. I said I couldn't put it down; he said, "Wow, the only book I've ever done that with is The Elegant Universe."] patiently answered all my questions: "WAIT, BUT WHAT IF YOUR EYE IS LIKE A BLACK HOLE BECAUSE IT BENDS LIGHT THE WAY BLACK HOLES BEND TIME," "ARE THEY LIKE WORMHOLES?," or "SO, LET'S GO SEND SOMETHING THROUGH ONE."

Soon, one thing caught my eye. A physicist on of the shows mentioned that when two black holes get close together, they essentially "waltz" around one another until becoming one.

I said to Alex: "ISN'T THAT ROMANTIC?"
He said: "Everything will die."

I realized that all these goddamn math-brained people are missing something critical: like waltzes and my "eye theory" (I said, SHUT UP), black holes could be more easily understood in "human" (specifically female) terms.

How I feel about my idea.
Also, what the hell kind of tampons are these?
I give you: Tampon-String Theory.

For those who aren't familiar with string-theory, it's essentially a realm of thoughts and ideas looking for a central type of theory that explains...everything. It posits there are possibly more laws of nature (like gravity) and dimensions (like time). It's meant to be the fundamental understanding of everything and is the big theory behind understanding black holes, which everyone ever is trying to understand in physics.

There are so many similarities between tampon usage and black holes, I'm honestly surprised no one's ever said anything. Stephen Hawking, you've been married twice... I'm sure you're aware of the connection (especially since that second one seems like she was in a perpetual state of PMS).

There's a scattering of titbits, I mean tidbits, across the spectrum of theory that initially hone the connection.

For example, it's unknown when and/or how string theory employs vacuum states (or the state of lowest possible energy); similarly, it is unknown why I have my lowest possible energy when I'm hemorrhaging from my uterus. 

Einstein's theory of relativity, which gets tossed about quite a bit in string-theory as either being possibly proven or refuted, "requires physicists to insert the number of dimensions 'by both hands.'" I don't know about you, but I haven't quite mastered a "one-handed" insertion, if you know what I mean. (I MEAN TAMPONS).

Also, I'm just going to leave this one here: Fuzzball.

This is like the fucking Da Vinci Code!
In string theory, there's also something called a "Worldsheet" which essentially talks about a string being embedded in spacetime, as represented in two-dimensional manifold. Hawking's "Draco Malfoy," Leonard Susskin, came up with this idea by the way.


Bet there's been plenty of strings embedded at the bottom!

Additionally, string theory is under constant scrutiny for its lack of predictability and testability. What is infinitely hard to predict and you wouldn't dare test unless you were a fuckwit?: WOMEN ON THEIR PERIODS.

Most critically, though... what do string theory and tampons really have in common?

Black holes.
Big, gaping... black holes.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Smerby Castle

Once upon a time (like 3 minutes ago), I was trying to figure out how to do metatrons... I mean metaphors... I mean metamorphs. ANIMORPHS. Metatags.

After a million years spent trying to fix the HTML I was apparently fucking up, I finally thought I had the right idea. Testing it out, I searched "Smerby" on Google.

Surprise, surprise--MY BLOG IS NOWHERE. My fanfiction account is in the first five results, though

Another top result caught my attention because I thought it was an EncyclopediaDramatica troll of some sort...

Ranald MacDonald of Smerby.

YES. You read correctly. It's like the missing vowels from Woll Smoth and Botmon all ate Big Macs and turned into this earl. Or, perhaps, the original Ronald McDonald got "Woll Smoth'd"...

Either way, apparently "Smerby Castle" is just waiting for me in Scotland.

Here is the only picture I can find of my destined home:


Monday, November 7, 2011

Harry Potter Engagement Survey

I had to fill out a "personality profile" for a photographer my fiance and I were interested in for our wedding. Questions and topics included things like "What do you guys do together?" and "Name three of your favorite places."

It was the personality questions that got to me.

One subject included, "Name three defining personality traits about yourself."

"Uh..." I said as I turned to Alex. "Mostly Gryffindor and Ravenclaw with a touch of Slytherin?"

I realized that, in the 10+ years Harry Potter has existed, Harry Potter has also gone on to define my actual status as a human being and all the details that go along with that.

"Name three defining characteristics about your significant other."
Slytherin, with bits of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw?

"What are some things you and your fiance don't like?"

"What would you say is your favorite book?"
WHAT DO YOU THINK? Pride & Prejudice.

I realized I couldn't think of "personality" traits outside of a Hogwarts house. My sisters? Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. My best friends? Slytherdors and Gryffinpuffs. My mother? A squib. And so on.

I looked up Sorting Hat songs. "Brave of heart? Yeah, I guess that's me. Great ambition? Sounds pretty close... Wait, do these sound ridiculous on this questionnaire?"

I was beginning to think this guy might not take our money; even people on would be hardcore judging us (although we don't intend on having a Viking or LARP-themed wedding).

"Wit and learning set Ravenclaws apart..."


Friday, November 4, 2011

First Post

So here's the deal.

I have no set goals and no set plans. I hate everybody (not everybody, just you), and at one point, I liked writing. Maybe someone will read this. Maybe it will be tl;dr. Maybe I will cyber with you.

We can only wait and see.

"The only thing worth having in life is fuck you I don't need your opinion." --A private conversation between Abraham Lincoln and his bathroom mirror, second floor, three doors down on the left; there should be extra toilet paper, if you need any.